To become what you’re destined to be you must think bigger than your current identity.
We get comfortable.
We get stuck.
Years later we find out that we already knew we didn’t belong.
Brains are funny that way.
Most of the convincing that “I’d be ok” was done from within.
There was always a voice in my head that was saying, “This isn’t right. This isn’t you. This isn’t where we should be.”
Then, there was an even quieter voice that said, “This isn’t you. This isn’t it.”
Then, I’d go further.
The echoes of self talk are real. It’s what we are made of when the voices and opinions of people who don’t really know us stop echoing in our brains as if they’re more important.
We know we.
I know me.
I will always be grateful for parents that entertained their obnoxious child on her quest to be the mostest of me’s.
“Why is this like this, dad?”
“Why do I have to do that, mom?”
Every question came with an answer.
Even if that answer was entirely made up. (Dad)
(I grew up before Google did)
So what? Dad made up answers and mom couldn’t negotiate a treaty with me when we’d battled it out?
And their acknowledgement that my thoughts meant enough…
Enough to be answered…
Well… that was enough to give me the confidence to keep asking.
Keep pushing. (Buttons)
Keep being the one who asks all the questions.
Many years and many attempts to be less of a problem to humanity than I was to my parents who, so lovingly, entertained my personality, I found that, in being what society wanted, I had hurt them both.
So, back to basics.
Back to me.
Back to that voice they let grow and that person they taught to be proud.
That me they let me be.
Happiness through the regret and the grief.
All they ever wanted
All I ever needed
All I was ever supposed to be
What I had started with.
Who I knew I was.
That’s who I will always be internally.
And that’s never going to change.
It’s going to get better.
Always being a part of the question
Always being exactly who I was designed to be…