Category Archives: Uncategorized

Walk

People talk about paths to walk.

I don’t want a path.

If there is a path that means several have walked there long enough to mark the earth with their foot steps.

I want virgin grass under my bare feet.

I want the scent of the lake water in a strong and warm summer wind with no other scent to spoil it’s purity and power.

I want to walk forward into something new. Not something others have tried for and failed.

I walk into the wilderness barefoot and alone and sure and steady and confident in my capabilities.

Those on paths have failed to find solutions if all of our paths have proven to be small repetitive circles.

Or straight wagon wheel ruts.

Or twenty lane interstates that bring a person to and from but fail to bring them nearer and closer to one another though we are all inches apart.

I love you

I do.

I know I say it a lot.

People say that it means less when I say it more.

But, I do love you.

I might not like you.

But, I love you.

If you think me loving more people means I have to love you less, I’m sorry.

Is that how you see love?

Like a thing that can be stretched thin or worn out.

If that is true, it appears to me the problem isn’t in my ability to love you.

It appears to me that the problem is in your ability to recognize, feel, or accept it.

Appearances can be deceiving so, correct me if I’m wrong.

But, I do love you.

I do.

Do you ever stop loving someone

Short answer.

No.

Why would you if you loved them?

Everything inside of us says that we loved them for a reason.

Maybe a lot of reasons.

Maybe just one.

Well that’s not how love works.

Love doesn’t have a code or a book or a map.

It doesn’t care what we think.

Love is a driving force.

More than a feeling

It’s what causes hate to collapse.

It’s what makes wrongs feel right.

It’s destructive and healing.

It is what we need it to be.

But, it never leaves. It doesn’t go away.

When love is real it’s always going to be a part of you when you see that person or you feel the pain of their absence.

It’s meant to be there. You just have to know love well enough to handle all that it entails.

Love IS

It isn’t a thing.

It isn’t a place.

It isn’t a person.

It isn’t a time or a space.

It’s everything.

And, when you realize who you are and what you’re capable of, love, it’s YOU.

The purpose everyone is looking for.

It all starts and ends in the same spot.

It all gives and gets there too.

It’s you.

Love.

Everything you’ve wanted.

Everything you’ve given.

They meet and share a place.

And the two just sit down and sigh because they have been there so long without being noticed.

The day the needs of others and of our selves and the things given freely meet, you’ll know, it was always coming from you.

From a place unseen and an emotion rejected frequently.

From love that’s always been there.

From you.

The type of people who do the most damage are the exact type who don’t apologize.

If you’re waiting for them to apologize in order to heal, you will never heal.

They do the most damage.

They’ll have the most excuses.

They justify.

They make you believe it’s your fault.

All you can seek is revenge in absence of their apology. Or an absence of emotion from yourself.

And you dont want revenge.

The best revenge is to do well.

To be well.

To walk by them smiling.

To be unaffected.

Then they begin to question their own strength and deviate from their script.

Then you’ve affected them. And maybe for the better.

Youve made them uncomfortable. But, the discomfort improves them if they allow it.

And it comes from you improving yourself and decreasing YOUR discomfort.

It’s a real Win win. The best kind.

Don’t lash out if you can help it.

Don’t ask for a loving gesture from those who’ve shown their deep and well practiced hate.

Just continue to be well in spite of them as soon as you can muster wellness.

They’ll eventually catch YOUR disease of good.

Suicide

Here is what I would say to those contemplating as this has become an overwhelming risk for life…
1. Your pain is real. You aren’t imagining it or making it up. Human beings can’t make up emotions. We can feel them or learn to control them but we cant manufacture them insincerely. You feel terribly and you’re not “imagining it” or being “dramatic”.
2. Maybe you’ve felt this way for days, months, years. But, you won’t always feel this way. Find hope in things people forget to see. Blades of grass. The sweet smell of the summer wind. A cold blast of wind in the winter that sends shimmering flakes of snow swirling around you. Taste each moment. Stop thirsting for a perfect future. No one gets one of those.
3. Whatever you’ve done, you can fix it or find a way to get past it. Nothing is irredeemable. Nothing is unforgivable. A truly good person will find a way to at least let you live in the peace of your improved persona and lifestyle. Anyone who wants you to live in their resentful idea of the horror you should suffer for what you’ve done to them doesn’t deserve your perpetual pain.
4. The world is NOT better off without you. You are here because you were meant to play a part. Play it. Play it until your end comes naturally. And taking your own life is not natural. Not because it goes against any law but because we are meant to protect our own lives by nature. We are meant to protect ourselves because, without outside influence, we are born to know we are valuable. That’s why we jump and scream when we are scared. That’s why our hearts beat without thinking. We may be unable to breathe sometimes because of the chemical imbalance of our brains or trauma that’s gone unresolved but we always end up catching our breath. Our bodies want to live, even when our brains don’t. And they’re meant to work together for a reason.
5. Wait on that impulse. Many times we get in to a bad moment and we think we have to do something about it RIGHT NOW because it’s overbearing and unbearable to the point that we physically suffer. Breathe on it. Sit on it. Write on it. Talk on it. Do not act on it. Many of us who have felt like ending it have thought about ending it before. And we didn’t. And we got a little better. Imagine if you allowed yourself to extend those times a bit longer. How much better could you get if you strengthened your resolve to live? if you refuse to die just one more time, no matter how loudly your brain calls for you to end it all? A LOT stronger. A lot
6. People around you may not understand. But, someone out there can, at the very least, empathize. Only the ones who’ve found it easy to fit in and blend can say that they feel natural camaraderie wherever they go. They may be the majority, but, you are the extraordinary. CHOOSE TO BE EXTRAORDINARY!
7. Reach out. Speak your pain. Anonymously. In person. Online. However you have to. Giving a bit of it all to someone else isn’t a burden. You may find others actually enjoy helping people get through these things. I know I love to be on that end as opposed to the other. It gives me a sense of service to others.
8. Speaking of service to others… Be of service in any way you can. It makes it hard for your demons to devalue you if you’re out there doing any good you can possibly do.
9. Don’t think for a second that you can’t do this. You can. You have. You will. And maybe, someday, you won’t have to anymore. I know that for a fact as a person who has found contentment amidst troubles. Troubles I could’ve only conquered BECAUSE of my difficult past.
10. Finally.
Death isn’t an end to suffering. Maybe you think your family will be better off without you. Or that your kids would be. Or that no one loves you so you may as well stop living. Someone loves you. Maybe you don’t see it. Maybe you don’t “know” it. It’s hard to “know” someone loves you if your brain refuses to register the feeling of love. No amount of proof of love would be able to make a mark in that brain. The beast of depression took over and told you that you’re not needed here and that the people YOU love would be better off if you were gone. But, if you pull that trigger or swallow those pills or whatever form of death you inflict upon yourself, all of the pain you feel just gets placed on another person’s shoulders. Or off into the negative energy of this world. Choose to protect your loved ones against your brain’s current maladies. Choose to be more than what anyone thought you capable of. Choose to live. To get help from credible sources when needed. Don’t pass it on. PUT IT on and wear it like a shield. Protect the world against what you WILL conquer if you choose to live step by step and day by day until you reach the point where you can say, “I wanted to die. So many times. But, I refused to give up or give in. I want to help my fellow man. I grew up and out. Here is how you get better.”❤️❤️❤️❤️

But when you hit the end and say nobody knows and I’m all on my own, you better make sure that’s true.

Go forth and become.

To become what you’re destined to be you must think bigger than your current identity.

We get comfortable.

We get stuck.

Years later we find out that we already knew we didn’t belong.

Brains are funny that way.

Most of the convincing that “I’d be ok” was done from within.

There was always a voice in my head that was saying, “This isn’t right. This isn’t you. This isn’t where we should be.”

Then, there was an even quieter voice that said, “This isn’t you. This isn’t it.”

Then, I’d go further.

The echoes of self talk are real. It’s what we are made of when the voices and opinions of people who don’t really know us stop echoing in our brains as if they’re more important.

We know we.

I know me.

I will always be grateful for parents that entertained their obnoxious child on her quest to be the mostest of me’s.

“Why is this like this, dad?”

“Why do I have to do that, mom?”

Every question came with an answer.

Even if that answer was entirely made up. (Dad)

(I grew up before Google did)

So what? Dad made up answers and mom couldn’t negotiate a treaty with me when we’d battled it out?

They tried.

And their acknowledgement that my thoughts meant enough…

Enough to be answered…

Well… that was enough to give me the confidence to keep asking.

Keep wondering.

Keep pushing. (Buttons)

Keep being the one who asks all the questions.

Many years and many attempts to be less of a problem to humanity than I was to my parents who, so lovingly, entertained my personality, I found that, in being what society wanted, I had hurt them both.

So, back to basics.

Back to me.

Back to that voice they let grow and that person they taught to be proud.

That me they let me be.

Then…

Happiness through the regret and the grief.

All they ever wanted

All I ever needed

All I was ever supposed to be

Was me.

What I had started with.

Who I knew I was.

That’s who I will always be internally.

And that’s never going to change.

It’s going to get better.

Bigger

Smarter

Stronger

Me’er…

We’er

Always asking.

Always being a part of the question

Always being exactly who I was designed to be…

Angel or demon

I lived with monsters once.

I had come to them to free them.

But they said I was a demon.

I was an angel dressed in black.

I was dressed so they could see me.

In the darkness and their loathing.

But my wings, they were too soft.

And their teeth, they were too gnashing.

They could’nt feel my words in their tone.

So I raised the pitch a bit higher.

Then they’d bark and bite and beat me.

So I learned their bitter language.

But I stayed there dull and floating.

I’d blend, and bend, and break some.

But, the longer I stayed learning,

the more they learned to hate me.

They learned a bit of my song.

I learned to fight their clawing.

We came to an agreement.

Then I learned, there’d be no winning.

Either I would have to stay with them,

or they would have to transcend.

But, they would not give up their darkness.

And I could never descend.