I just keep praying. I don’t know who is hearing the prayers, i just know they keep answering. I ask for more faith and less fear. I ask to help keep my intentions in goodness and out of vengeance. Sometimes, though, it’s just too hard. I know no one is perfect. Certainly not me, but this battle is wearing on me today and I feel the anger rising. So much of my life seems to be in the hands of others right now and that has always made me uneasy. So many times people have proven that they just can’t do the right thing. I have to force myself into the level of thinking I recently reached and not allow myself to go back to the old. Nothing, not one thing, is in anyone else’s hands at all. Everything belongs to my Creator now and I need to be reminded of that sometimes. Sometimes it is just too scary to have faith in moments like this. I’ve never felt so afraid. But, this time, I won’t let the fear send me spinning out of control or into the illusion that I have any at all. This time, I will let it drive me closer to the Man up in the cosmos who has kept me safe all along. This time, I can’t be beaten if I remember what i’ve learned and use it. This time I will have peace WHILE I cry instead of afterward. I just needed to write that down here to make it real. My enemies have always been so much bigger and louder than I am. I know that it was never really me who won at all. I have to keep the faith, but today, it’s been difficult.
All posts by Hycaeit
One of my children told me they didn’t like me today after I took a toy away. I quickly replied with some sort of wisdom that I wasn’t aware I had. I told the kiddo, “I’ts not my job to make you like me. It’s my job to make sure you like yourself.” What did.. what.. who said that!? Apparently I’m alright at this parenting thing. We may all live after all.
Gone
My heart has been hurting these last few days as I swing wildly from ecstatic freedom down to the depths of mourning frequently now. None of it is debilitating but all of it is uncomfortable. I loved him too much, because that’s the only way I know how to love, truthfully. It’s become obvious that I loved him far more than he loved me. S**t, I loved him more than I loved myself or I would’ve been gone long ago. I’m stuck in the “why’s” again. Like that’s any of my business. Many opportunities were given to do the right thing. None were accepted, so here we are. Today I miss him. We’ve all missed him for over a year. We’ve grown used to the type of longing that feels strangely similar to the feelings I’ve had for the one’s I love that i left behind when we moved away. There is hope in that loneliness. We grew accustomed to it. They still live in that illusion because I’ve padded the truth, as usual. I’ve explained things, as I have always done, in a way they can accept and understand. They don’t suffer. Today that agony is mine. I miss him. I miss that stupid throat noise he made when he was over joyed as he grabbed one of us and held us closely to his chest. I miss the warmth in that chest. I miss the soft heart held within it. I miss the thoughtful acts. Like the surprise trips to the bookstore before taking me to a movie. I miss how he’d make me laugh while I tried hard to be angry. I miss him dancing like an idiot just to make me smile. If he’d always been my monster, I never would have loved him but now he’s the creature that only lives in my nightly nightmares. I miss him more when I wake up sweating and crying, looking for his arms to hold me. I won the battles that caused the fear and am fairly certain I’ll win the war but damn do I hate doing it. I hate what has to be done but I’ll never hate him, or them. The cold shoulders and silent stares are painful, true. I loved all of them too much. I always will because that’s who I am. I’ve only ever had the capacity to hate myself. I’ll continue to show them this love even as it goes unrequited because I know no other way. In my opinion, the point of loving someone isn’t to gain anything, not one thing at all, but to show the one receiving that love how worthy they are of it all. I’ve finally come to a point in my life where I actually love myself. I love myself enough to know I don’t need everyone else to. But, some days it hurts to know that he probably never looked in through the window at me teary eyed because of the gratitude he felt for having me like I’ve done so many times. It hurts to know that he’s gone forever. Like Mom. Like Uncle Roger. Uncle Loran. Aunt Shannon. All gone within the last 4 years. I’ve become a professional griever. I’m going to make it through this. I have to move forward though he stands still as stone. Trapped in a tortured statue. Encased and suffocating, surrounded by thick and heavy concrete made up of all of the deadly sins. He’s gone forever and I’ll miss him everyday, but he’s not him anymore.
Tenfold.
I don’t do tit for tat. I do tenfold. By that I mean I do not actively seek revenge for most things, but the cruelty that is bestowed upon me is directly repaid by my Maker. Now, I’m not certain who my Maker is exactly (as I’ve posted before) but I can feel that Creator with me. Especially now. On my spiritual journey I’ve done some reading and most of the world’s major religions have similar philosophies when it comes to revenge. Confucius said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Lao Tzu wrote in The Ethics of War, “The best soldier fights without vengeance, without anger, and without hate. He puts himself humbly below his comrades, thereby eliciting the highest loyalty from them. This is the power of non-belligerence and cooperation. It is the ancient path to the Great Integrity.” That wise man lived in the 6th century B.C. so this is no new concept. Ghandi famously said, “An eye for an eye will only leave the whole world blind.” The Dalai Lama (can’t leave him out) said, “We should not seek revenge on those who have committed crimes against us, or reply to their crimes with other crimes. We should reflect that by the laws of Karma, they are in danger of lowly and miserable lives to come, and that our duty to them, as to every being, is to help them rise toward Nirvana rather than sink to lower levels of rebirth.” The Torah speaks of revenge in Leviticus stating, “You shall not take revenge nor bear a grudge against the children of thy people.” Closely related are the words in Romans of the Christian Bible, “Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is Mine: I will repay, sayeth the Lord.” Now, if you’re still with me, my current personal views on revenge seem to be a proven amalgamation of Karma and Christianity. There are some things happening for me recently that indicate that some sort of cosmic vengeance is in action. I can hear the whining and whispering that it has caused. I’m finally feeling that justice is on the way and I don’t have to do anything but the next right thing to receive the things I feel I’m owed. This fact has always been true. In fact, in my younger years, I’ve actively tried to protect my abusers from facing justice, only to find myself seated in the back of a courtroom crying as they are prosecuted to the full extent of the law. My Higher Power has me covered, every time, always has. He knows what’s best. He knows what’s right. All I need to do is be decent, act with integrity, have pure intentions, and carry love and kindness in my heart. The ones who have harmed me have always paid what they owe, and then some, so long as I do those things. I’d be very frightened if I were on the wrong side of right because it is not me people need fear answering to. My protector is MUCH bigger than that.
Naked finger
I had my dad pawn my wedding ring today. Being the classy broad I am, I asked his family if they wanted it back. They didn’t. It wasn’t worth much, but a wonderful little boy I birthed needed some birthday presents, so it didn’t hurt too badly to let it go for so little. That’s a pretty clear representation of where I’m at in my intentions, head, and heart. It’s in the future with my babies. Not in the past with anyone else.
It’s ridiculous how upset I am over his passing. My homeland has been covered in purple. A rainbow appeared over Paisley park. I wanna go home.
Heartbroken. Rest in piece you wonderful man.
I cried last night
Last night was a rough one for me. When things are quiet and dark, with no distractions and no interruptions, my thoughts flow furiously through me. I was forced to face reality again. I cried last night like I haven’t in weeks. Waiting for justice is exhausting. Fearing an unfavorable outcome, grieving the loss of someone who is still alive, resisting the temptation to dwell on the “fairness factor” that seems to still be missing in it all, I was overtaken and the tears burst free. They came in ugly sobs and pitiful whimpers. I was like a damned lost puppy. I have my moments. I’m only human. I have searched for protection in every face, everywhere, for as long as I can remember. My parents tried. They tried hard. Life and circumstance and my own poor choices made their efforts inefficacious and all of the others I chose for the job ran into the same problems. My self hatred and tendency for self abuse and destruction caused me to accept situations and treatment undeserved because I intimately knew how much worse it could be. I settled for the lesser of the evils far too many times, running into the arms of the alpha, even if the alpha was cruel. I’d justify it and excuse it because, at least the alpha had some sense of control, telling myself it’s better to be abused by one than by many. I limited my potential by settling for these dogs and the small plot of territory they ruled over. I’m not a dog, though. The suspicion that I didn’t belong among them has been affirmed and legitimized. I don’t belong there. I don’t belong anywhere. I belong everywhere. I am the alpha in a place I created. Looking back, universal forces have prepared me to protect myself and to protect others as well. I have been proven capable, strengthened and fortified by experience, given the wisdom needed to navigate any part of the world I enter into by choice or by force. I had been following the rules of a dying generation and those rules no longer applied. My elders had tried to lead me out of the darkness, bright lights shining on my face. I couldn’t see past the glare and I got lost so I wandered and grasped at the walls. I had to find my own light, it burns inside me brightly now. I stumble and fall, frequently. I will always have moments like I did last night because I have been blessed with a wonderful burden. Too many emotions reside inside of me. Too strong to contain. While others can scarcely fill a drinking glass with theirs, I struggle to contain the ocean in a gallon jug. I read something like that in Wuthering Heights and when I read it and realized there were others like me, that there always had been, it felt like someone punched me in the heart. I cried last night. I let the pain fall from my eyes because it had been resting atop my spirit for far too long. I cried last night, looking for the hero inside of me but she was hiding. She does that from time to time to let the lost girl out. The vulnerable one. The hero hides so she can cry alone, without shame. I cried. I cried hard. I fell asleep. In my dreams I saw my friend Andrea and she asked me for help. I handed to her my abilities and assistance and was reminded of the toilsome task at hand, but, I was also reminded of the wonderful people that have been placed in my life to support, to guide, and to bring me joy, just when I had begun to feel the lonesomeness again. My best friend, the one from my dream, my soul sister, lives thousands of miles away. Most of my proven friends do. But, she found her way into my dreams to bring me comfort and to make me laugh. She reminded me of who I am just as I was beginning to forget. I woke with a smile and sense of peace only palpable to those who have experienced true triumph over trauma. I woke, after all. How dare I frown being given the gift of another breath? I woke with a smile, and I’ll use that smile, to disarm and dissolve my oppressors. I cried, but I smile, and over and over again, I am grateful for it all.
Feelin like a flat chested Nancy Sinatra today.
Hycaeit (Have Your Cake And Eat It Too) 