I was once a quitter. Overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness, I gave up on myself constantly. I didn’t value my own life enough to fight for it. I begged God to get me out of it or to make it better. The work it would take to repair damages done seemed insurmountable so I had a tendency to give up before I had even begun. No attempt to improve was made, as I felt completely helpless and terrified.
God took care of it for me though. My Creator gave me a reason to fight in the form of innocent’s that needed guardianship and unconditional love.
At first I began to live for them only. Soon I found that life could be more than just being a mommy as I began to learn my value as they grew, proving myself capable of determination, diligence, and dutiful selflessness. I proved I was a better person than I had ever given myself credit for when He/She gave me a job I couldn’t quit.
When I was younger the pain made no sense, it just hurt. It hurt so tremendously that pain outweighed any type of pleasure and I felt as if I’d suffocate beneath it as it was a stifling and ever present, debilitating nightmare I woke with and dreamt of every day, every second of my life. I felt it would last forever, never realizing that life itself was temporary.
I am one who searches for reason. A logical explanation was nowhere to be found. I hurt myself physically to put a face on the pain inside. I tried to take my own life once or twice. But, when I was given the charge of taking care for these defenseless young souls, all became clear and my pain washed away in bits and pieces. Their birth was a baptism of sorts for me. My sins and the sins of all of the others that had stained my skin for decades detached one by one and floated away with the current in a river, fresh and clear.
I wasn’t able to quit living, even in my darkest times. I would attempt to meet my end and immediately regret it. I saved my own life a few times. I somehow knew there was more ahead of me. I somehow knew my time in this realm was not yet over. I somehow knew there was a job to do and hope for me to fulfill my purpose someday. In those indescribable inklings I found hope. Hope. It’s a powerful thing.
I think my searching for explanations for the tragedy and trauma was what kept me in such incredible pain. I needed answers and solutions and was constantly frustrated with the lack of justice and fairness. Living in that mentality kept me lost and lonely. I was living inside of the moments that tormented me, unable to move forward and heal.
I realized something when necessity for triumph found me. I realized something that changed my life.
All of the years of dwelling and depression, searching for a savior and waiting for someone to pay for what they’d done, I was allowing them to hurt me continually. What they had done had lasted only a few hours of my life in total. Once they finished, their part in the damage was done. Though their deeds were dirty, all of the years of terrible pain that followed was something I was causing myself. I was allowing my abusers to abuse me everyday, over and over again, every minute of my life by refusing to let it go.
I set myself free, not needing an explanation or repayment. I let myself live when I decided to move on.
I will never give up on myself or my life again because now I have realized my power and have gained the humility to also recognize and conquer my weaknesses, turning them into assets and character strengthening traits.
I will not quit. I may falter and I may fall, but I can’t stay down. My Higher Power sent me down this path, one that required no outside salvation. When I search for my heroes inside of my memory, the one most frequently seen is the one that appears in the mirror before me because she made the decision to gwt up and go on.
I won’t give up. It does no good. Brief rests are taken during the struggles and I see myself sitting on a log in the forest, climbing a mountain trail during those times. But the climb continues, always. I won’t lay down and die just to pass whatever pain I feel on to those who love me.
I will never give up. I will never lose hope. As long as I have the breath in my lungs and the ability to breath it, I will continue on.