All posts by Hycaeit
Page added.
If you’ve ever struggled through an abortion or miscarriage, I recently shared a personal story under the title “Annalise” that you may identify with. It’s listed under the “from my mind” page. Check it out.
Boxes are like clouds
When you look at a box, what do you see? This one started as a rocket ship then it was a submarine, currently it’s a slide, next it will be a television, last in line is the classic puppet theater.
Creativity with kids goes a long way. Imaginations need nurturing, and having children help you transform a box into something spectacular is one great way to get them to think outside of one.
I was born with a wild mind. Had my creativity not been fostered, I would’ve been lost to the world’s darker side, of this I’m certain. My parents saw something special inside of me. I was a storyteller, an artist, a poet. They appreciated every blue ribbon drawing and praised me for every trip to the young writer’s conferences I’d won my way into with essays.
I have three children, and as I’ve watched them grow, I’ve realized that some children are born with definite ideals while others wander aimlessly in gray areas and uncertainty. I was always a wanderer.
Right and wrong weren’t clear to me. I knew if I hurt someone, stole something, broke something, there’d be consequences, but when it came to a moral compass, mine was spinning wildly.
Then there is my sister. She seemed to know everything. She’s my big sister so I idolized her for her ability to do the right thing effortlessly. She was just so damn good, all of the time. Honestly, it’s amazing how good she is. An angel, really.
Then there was me. “Little sh**”, “Troublemaker”, these were my nicknames. I took pride in my ability to stir things up. There are benefits to being a wildflower. No one can predict the power within. No one sees it coming. God gave me the element of surprise when he put this blonde hair atop my head, disguising my big beautiful mind. Wink wink, smiley face emoji.
Having an ability to decide north from south outside of the magnetic field most find shelter inside of caused some trouble and confusion, I’ll be honest, but I found that it’s pretty rad to be able to think laterally. No one sees the world like I do. No one can explain it using the words I choose. In a world full of folks who fight to fit in, I felt the need to stand out.
I’m only called odd because I’m unexpected. Im only labeled as weird because I’m unique. I like that. I don’t want to be you, I don’t want to blend in. I just want to be me. Strange and unusual. Bold and brave. My place is wherever I decide I want to be. I fit in wherever I go.
It’s nice to be a lunatic. Sincerely!
That’s a mighty blue sky hanging above me.
Chaos and Calm
At night, when the television volume is set at 2, when earlier in the day it was barely audible at 25, I begin to wonder which noises are missing. How many words had I ignored from people I neglected to hear? How many songs had floated over me and landed atop the ears of my neighbors instead of on mine? What was the deafening white noise made of? My mind was made to dissect things. I want to know.
Where did it all go? Where did they go? Had they needed me? Had I failed them?
Had my whispers ridden the wind to follow someone home and hit their ears at a time when they required companionship? Did they assist someone, hold their hand to help them rise out of loneliness? Had this all happened without me knowing?
Did my eyelash fly away and travel to a toe? A toe that began to itch as a dagger flew overhead.
Had my tear joined a river? Had it caused a distant dam to break? Did it flood a hidden village in the distance?
Had a hair come loose from my head? Had it flitted off and acted as a binding in a nest of an eagle that would grow and inspire a poet’s words? Words to change a man? A man who would change history?
I’ve come to know some things in my life. Things that are fact to me now. Things I’m certain of. One such thing is this, everything means something.
Absolutely everything has an effect.
Sitting in this musing, wondering where the noise has gone, I find within my soul the sudden urge to scream into this darkness. I want to yell loudly. Something good. Something great. Something powerful.
I feel the need to create some positive chaos by shouting out into this quiet night, disturbing the peace. It’s in my nature.
Tranquility leaves me stagnant and mossy if I linger too long inside solace. I need to breathe it in sometimes, that’s true, but I know I can’t stay. My reality has always moved hastily and loudly, in jolts and rushes, forward and back. Peacefulness is only a place to visit briefly.
Comfort for me lies in a riot, a rally for change. Naturally, that is where I’ve been found. That’s where I feel my spirit is most powerful, accepted, and strengthened. I am not as familiar with chirping crickets and cool night mists and floating fog.
I prefer red/green/yellow shining off of streets, the smell of hot highways, the buzz and hum of power lines and people.
But, here in the silence another part of me wakes. One I don’t know by name yet. An introduction is being made. She finds refreshment in this place and I’m realizing I am becoming whole again, comfortable anywhere, as chaos and calm coexist in me now.
Bummed myself out writing that page. This is funny though.
My life, in the last line of a meme…
Words from a boy
I just asked my oldest son if he knew I kissed his cheek and whispered “I love you” into his ears while he slept every night. His reply made me cry for the tenth time today. He told me that often in his dreams, someone he’s talking to will whisper those words to him, in my voice, and then carry on the works of his imagination without regard to the comment I’ve implanted in his slumbering subconcious. He recalled it instantly, genuinely, with amazement. He responded as if a great mystery now made sense.
I guess my work is done. All I have ever wanted for my children is that they KNOW, with certainty, that my love will never fail or flee. He knows. I’m sure his brother and sister know as well. I can’t stop smiling and looking at their sleeping faces with awe.
I have had a rough mother’s day. I miss my mother greatly, though her strength lives within me. I want her, especially now.
Now that I have found some of the memories, hidden away. Not hers, but his.
I found a movie stub for “Juno” and a familiar phone number and name on a scrap of paper I have saved for nearly ten years. They brought back too many memories for me to keep from rolling forth from my eyes.
I saw how my motherhood began and compared it to it’s current state. I have to say, I’ve become one of the best. But, I’m only human, still seeking approval, validation, and praise. No, I don’t need it, but it would feel nice.
I’m never lonely, always dripping in hugs and snuggles, but I’m aching to be held by someone bigger than me. Cradled, protected, cherished. I haven’t had that in such a long time.
That’s the biggest problem with being a tough chick. No one seems to realize that you desperately need the reassurance of a soothing embrace. I’ve often shuddered as many have tried to hold me, force me into a place of warmth. Help is uncomfortable for those who are unfamiliar with it, especially those who have fought long and painful darkness, years unending, to become self sufficient, knowing that needing someone often causes more pain when they fail.
I can metaphorically say God is holding me, because he is, but it’s not the same.
But, I’ll be patient this time. I’ll wait. I can now. I’m not the lost little girl I once was.
I’m a woman, with abilities and assets that shant be wasted, unappreciated, unloved anymore.
I can’t be hasty. I need to be free again. Freedom can be lonely when looking back at what’s been lost. I’m not going that way, though. So, eyes forward for now as I’ve managed to turn another house into a home, lifting furniture like a beast and working all day, into the night, to create comfort in a time of disturbance.
I fill my lonely spot with memories today, ones I won’t insult with the terrible taste of tears. I’ll feel the joy fill me without the thoughts of how it could’ve been, because it isn’t, it just isn’t.
Happy mom’s day, beautiful creators. Let my son’s words reassure you. No act of love, ignored or small, goes unnoticed or to waste. Every bit lives inside of them, even if you never know it. So keep loving them like only YOU can, Momma. They need it.
I have a desperate need for pizza and hot wings.
That is all.
Hycaeit (Have Your Cake And Eat It Too) 